My Love – poem

How do I still love you after all this time?
How do you hold my heart captive in an open cage?
I long to see you, laugh with you.
I long to whisper my love to you.

You inspire me, you encourage me
You refuse to let me give up.
Yet you have a wall you keep building to keep everyone out.

I know how complicated your life is.
I know all the reasons why it wont work.
Yet I still yearn for you.
I still love you.

I have a chance, I know I do.
My question is will you take that chance with me?

May

Wow another year has passed….

May is a bitter-sweet month for me. It use to be a very special month and it still is but it’s also a very sad month for me.

All my girls are born in May, May is also Mothers day so this should be a good month.
Except May reminds me of all I have lost. Yes I know I still have My girls and T is still apart of my life and I am very grateful for all of these things. But It makes me sad too.

This year I am not as sad as I normally am. I am sure Mothers day wont be great nor will the 22nd -24th (T’s Birthday and placement) yet it seems easier.

I am grateful for this

The Voice

You sent me a gift.
On the card it said with love.
My heart swelled

Then The Voice Said:
It’s what everyone says.
It doesn’t mean anything.
You’re making more of this than it is.

My Heart saddened
I hate The Voice!

Still – Poem

I think I have loved you for more than half my life.
We were never meant to be,
I know we cannot be, for reasons beyond both our control.
Yet I secretly hope one day we might find a way.
You live half a world away
Still I hope.

I am not some young love who is unrealistic.
You talk to me all day.
You say goodnight every night.
You worry if I sleep and eat.
You will not let me give up.
You build me up
You don’t let anyone run me down Not even me.
Still you will not say the words I long to hear.

You are giving yourself to me.
You are willing to submit your will to me.
You are coming to see me!
You are giving me a night which we both long for.
Yet you will leave and I will cry.

Still I love you.

Depression

Where to start?

Well Things haven’t exactly been great in fact they have been downright horrible.

Nope nothing catastrophic went wrong just every little thing all added up and bit me in my ass and dragged me to one of the lowest points I have ever been.

The last 4 – 6 months I have been battling the worst depression of my life. I never knew it could be this bad. I have had depression on and of since I was 16 yrs old. I fight it and ignore it and eventually I go look for help which works, I’m okay for a months sometimes years then it comes back and I start again.

This time however, its taken so long to come right. There have been days I couldn’t get out of bed. I haven’t been able to work properly. I am a social creature normally but in the last few months I have hidden from the world literally. I spend my life in my room the only time I make an effort is when I have the kids. I also got Pneumonia which didn’t help anything.

What scared me was that I was willing to give up! I wanted to give up! I wanted it all to end. Despite me knowing I have a thousand things to live for. I just couldn’t deal with the sadness and pain and darkness I felt. I never want to go there again!

Its changed who I thought I was, who I now want to be.

T found a drug trial which I have been on for the past 2 months I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (Clinical Depression). For the first time in my life I feel like these anti depressants actually work. My mind is clear I am thinking straight about life and what it holds. I am being realistic about things for the first time in many many years. I am still not 100% where I should be but the anxiety and depression is finally lifting!
I am still depressed, but I am able to have good hours and I am able to get excited about things. This I am told it is a good thing. The girls have noticed a difference to they say I’m much more calm and nice which is sad to me because it makes me wonder who I was before.

I guess at least I’m getting better.

I have a Birth Aunt

I’m not sure if you are aware but me placing T is not where Adoption entered my life. My Mom is adopted. I have always know and so has she. and when I placed T I felt that in a weird way our family had gone full circle.

Today I received a call from my Mom we are not close at all so when I saw the missed call I was dreading phoning her back as it normally results in a fight. However I am trying to deal with issues instead of hiding (Which I do to a fine art.) So I called her right back. 

My Mom has finally found her birth family. Which I am over the moon for her. But with this comes the realization that my grandparents lied to all of us. My Moms adoption story was a lie. 

 

I do realize that my Grandparents were very forward in their day as they told my mom and her brother that they were adopted it was never hidden from them. The problem was the stories they were told were all lies.

And I am devastated because the chances of us finding out why my mom was placed is minimal as both her Biological parents are gone. She however does have a sister, but she wasn’t told about the adoption. So this has had a huge impact on My mom’s sister as well as my mom.  

 

I am still in shock but incredibly angry that my grandparents lied maybe because I understand the implications more than most. I have tried to make sense of it but I cant at the moment. 

 

I know they never thought that the truth would come out. but the one thing I can say I have learnt is that the Truth always has a way of coming out even 60 years down the line. 

I have a Birth Aunt and I think my mom will finally be able to stop wondering.  

But I just wish people would stop lying about adoption this is why I believe in open adoption and being open about adoption. 

Laws

There is no such thing as justice – in or out of court.  ~Clarence Darrow, 1936

I have finally realised that actually the law means nothing. The only people who win a court case are the ones with most expensive attorneys.

Two years ago I read the law regarding Maintenance and Care and Access (Which most of us know as Custody) I was told no I was wrong my conclusions from what  I had read.

A year ago I was yelled at by the Maintence officer because I had agreeed to let my Ex husband not pay maintenance while the kids where in his care “Who are you to decide the law” was yelled at me and I was told that ONLY the court could decide if he didnt need to pay.

Now I go and report that he hasn’t approached the court and had the Garnishee order stopped. No he just advised his company to stop no order of court. And I’m told its okay. Despite the fact that it is an order of court he can do this.

Now I am flawed basically the magistrate has decided that its okay to break the law and I am told I cannot argue this unless I have an attorney present. So unless I can afford R1200 an hour and its going to take at minimum 3 hours and there is no guarantee that despite the law I will win. It is not about the money it is about the principle it sets about letting people like my Ex abuse the system.

We are told we have the right to be protected against people who break the law. Yet the system only chews us up and spits us out.

I hear you say why don’t you go to legal aid then well you have to earn less than R5500 a month.  Which is less than I earned doing a half day job. So basically Im screwed I dont earn enough to laugh off  at R3600 minimum so I can insist that the court does the right thing

So I am done I give up the court can go and screw themselves I am tired of trying to do the right thing. because the only ones who suffer are my kids.

PS just so u know I would have given back the maintenance if my Ex had actually followed the legal rules.

Maintenance

Laurakim did a post on this and because this is an emotional subject for me as I seem to always be on the loosing end of it.  I thought I would clear up a few facts.

Maintenance is decide on in mediation or with your lawyers before you go and get divorced these days a parenting plan should also be put into place. this became law on 1st of July 2007.  If you are single you apply to your local magistrates court to have maintenance implemented.

When you sit down with your attorney he will advise you that you should list all your expenses including DSTV your car license, petrol, food, Maintenance of the vehicle, even vet expenses for the animals you have. clothes toiletries and the list goes on. (the list on the maintenance application form you receive from the court is actually 3 pages long just for your expenses ) the reason that all these are included is that the children do use the car and DSTV and the animals and they are part of the household expenses. However if for instance your child is still in nappies you may add that expense directly to the child because no one else benefits from its use. and I may not add the expense of say having my nails done to the list and expect it then to be added to the children’s portion of the home budget.

Once you have done this then the it is divided into parts if you have two kids like myself then it is 4 parts I pay 2 parts they pay one part each  So if for instance all the home expenses come up to R1000.00 I would pay R500 and my kids would pay R250 each ( the reason it is done this way is so I can not abuse the system and expect my ex to pay for me. )

Then that R500 that is the children’s portion would then be split into parental percentages, which is worked out as shown below.

My salary is stated and my Ex’s salary is stated, the two figures are added together and then the percentage is worked out. So if I earn R2000.00 and he earns R4000.00 which would mean he is responsible for 67% of the children’s expenses and I am responsible for 33% there for he would Pay R335 and I would pay the balance of R165.00

Now lets say my ex changes jobs and goes back to the court and says his salary is only R500 now and he can prove it the court will only make him pay 40% of his salary.  No more.

I am not for making any parent more or less responsible for their children. but I do feel that some of the men abuse the system. as do the women. and the only people who get hurt are the children.

Some people are lucky they get maintenance and then the Ex also contributes to medical aid and School fees etc.

I fall into the category of where I get get x and that covers everything which is hard as there are always things you cant account for until they happen. My Ex refuses to assist with any form of financial help other than Maintenance which he kicked and screamed about paying he even went so far as to hire a lawyer instead of paying Maintenance. Until I got a garnishee order against him. He even refused to buy M a tube of paint for a school project because he has to pay maintenance.

So there are the facts of Maintenance they are there to protect the children but it doesn’t always work that way.

Using media to promote awareness

If you know me, you will know I am truly passionate about certain things such as, adoption and surrogacy and a few other things.

Now I am all for TV programs to raise awareness about these topic’s and I think it can be a fantastic platform.

However I take exception when local soaps use these issues to create drama. What am I talking about well… about 2yrs ago one of the local soaps used IVF as one of their story lines but guess what the clinic messed up and implanted the wrong embryos into the wrong woman. Now I get that this is just a tv program but there are people out there that believe this really happens regularly. and I’m not saying this has never happened. But the chances of this happening is incredibly slim.
At the moment one of the soaps is carrying a story line about a surrogacy. And to be honest it makes me so angry because its giving surrogacy a bad name. Firstly the intended parents are being portrayed as overbearing and controling. and the surrogate is in turn trying to please them but has enough and just disappears because she needs time. The story line also gives the wrong information as they intended parents keep saying she’s been paid to be a surrogate etc. Which is incorrect with regards to the law in SA. What about showing the surrogate going to see a counselor ? Instead of her running away? How about showing the intended parents concerned about the surrogate instead of making them out to be controlling and treating her like a prisoner and a rented uterus.

I get that there needs to be drama but couldn’t the writers do some research?
and how about showing the reality of these issues. Instead of the worst case scenario. Not everyone who watches these things realises that its not real.

I’m glad that the soaps are raising these issues as it does raise awareness but can’t they do it in a way that doesn’t always show the worst case scenario’s? And actually giving the correct information about the issue they are bringing awareness too?

Ok I’m climbing back off my soapbox.

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